mom.

on vacation, my mother was crying because she couldn't make my moody sister enjoy our trip. her happiness directly depends on the happiness of those around her. when we laugh, she laughs. when we cry, she cries. she lives for others. her love for others is the only thing she has in the world. she is an entertainer, a nurturer, a protector, an actress. she gives her entire heart and soul away, and reacts with the same doe-eyed shock and pain when her heart is stomped on. she is taken advantage of. she is not thanked or given enough affection. she goes to bed jaded, only to wake up and reapply her happy face for us. she is so incredible and i am overwhelmed with the love she has for me.

i have never realized how similar we are until this very moment. she's where i get my heart from. but i also inherited my harsh realism from her warning words of the cruel world. we are both actresses, we can become anything our loved ones need us to be, and as a result we are lost. we are slaves to the love of others. i'll be anything to win some affection or acceptance, just like my mother.

my first memory of my mother: (please note, i have never told ANYONE this) i was around 3 years old so she was only about 24. she was crying and telling me she was so sorry, that she's such a terrible mother, that she's too young and dumb for this. at the tender age of three or four, i comforted my own mother. i said shhh, you're a good mommy, don't worry. she had wanted me more than anything in the world, but now that i was here, she realized her mistake. she just wanted someone to love her. sometimes i think my mom would've had a much better life if i was never born.