if you care enough about this blog to wonder why i haven't posted anything lately (you probably haven't), it's because i love tumblr more than i love cream cheese.
parahsalmer.tumblr.com
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
i feel very old... i drove myself to the bank in my own car and deposited a check. i've been earning my own money for 8 months now. i work too much. i am always tired. i pay for my car and insurance. i buy gas and food and clothes and i try to save money for college. i'm starting my senior year in a week...
i feel very young... my problems are juvenile. i feel immature, like the child that acts out to impress everyone.
i feel very alone... but i feel very loved.
and every day i feel more and more blessed.
i feel very young... my problems are juvenile. i feel immature, like the child that acts out to impress everyone.
i feel very alone... but i feel very loved.
and every day i feel more and more blessed.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
a summary of my nights.
i sit. nothing happens. i eat food. nothing happens. i stare at a screen. nothing happens. i read. nothing happens. i wait for a message or a ring or a doorbell. nothing happens. i want to cry. nothing happens. i am alone. and nothing happens.
i want to be wanted.
i want to be wanted.
i have a love/hate relationship with myself.
right now = hate.
i hate my baby face. i hate that i only have one dimple. i hate that i look much younger than i am. i hate that i don't feel comfortable in my clothes anymore. i hate my voice and the stupid fucking things i talk about. i hate my nose. i hate my cheeks. i hate my forehead. i hate my thighs. i hate my height. ughhhh
i can't fucking believe i look like this every day of my life. i feel so different inside. it doesn't seem fair.
right now = hate.
i hate my baby face. i hate that i only have one dimple. i hate that i look much younger than i am. i hate that i don't feel comfortable in my clothes anymore. i hate my voice and the stupid fucking things i talk about. i hate my nose. i hate my cheeks. i hate my forehead. i hate my thighs. i hate my height. ughhhh
i can't fucking believe i look like this every day of my life. i feel so different inside. it doesn't seem fair.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
well, it's very ironic that the day after i write a loving blog about my mother, she is angry at me. for existing. sorry that you settled for someone and had a baby too young, sorry that you didn't go to college, sorry you hate your job, sorry you never get to do anything nice, sorry we never have any money, it's not my fault. hating your life won't change a damn thing. you've wasted too much time on hate and regret. i'm leaving in a year. i love you but you make me feel like the biggest regret of your life.
mom.
on vacation, my mother was crying because she couldn't make my moody sister enjoy our trip. her happiness directly depends on the happiness of those around her. when we laugh, she laughs. when we cry, she cries. she lives for others. her love for others is the only thing she has in the world. she is an entertainer, a nurturer, a protector, an actress. she gives her entire heart and soul away, and reacts with the same doe-eyed shock and pain when her heart is stomped on. she is taken advantage of. she is not thanked or given enough affection. she goes to bed jaded, only to wake up and reapply her happy face for us. she is so incredible and i am overwhelmed with the love she has for me.
i have never realized how similar we are until this very moment. she's where i get my heart from. but i also inherited my harsh realism from her warning words of the cruel world. we are both actresses, we can become anything our loved ones need us to be, and as a result we are lost. we are slaves to the love of others. i'll be anything to win some affection or acceptance, just like my mother.
my first memory of my mother: (please note, i have never told ANYONE this) i was around 3 years old so she was only about 24. she was crying and telling me she was so sorry, that she's such a terrible mother, that she's too young and dumb for this. at the tender age of three or four, i comforted my own mother. i said shhh, you're a good mommy, don't worry. she had wanted me more than anything in the world, but now that i was here, she realized her mistake. she just wanted someone to love her. sometimes i think my mom would've had a much better life if i was never born.
i have never realized how similar we are until this very moment. she's where i get my heart from. but i also inherited my harsh realism from her warning words of the cruel world. we are both actresses, we can become anything our loved ones need us to be, and as a result we are lost. we are slaves to the love of others. i'll be anything to win some affection or acceptance, just like my mother.
my first memory of my mother: (please note, i have never told ANYONE this) i was around 3 years old so she was only about 24. she was crying and telling me she was so sorry, that she's such a terrible mother, that she's too young and dumb for this. at the tender age of three or four, i comforted my own mother. i said shhh, you're a good mommy, don't worry. she had wanted me more than anything in the world, but now that i was here, she realized her mistake. she just wanted someone to love her. sometimes i think my mom would've had a much better life if i was never born.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Day 02
The meaning behind your Tumblr/Blog name
"Take it Easy (Love Nothing)" is a song by my favorite band of all time, Bright Eyes. but it's not really my favorite song or even close to it. when i made this blog, i was pretty heartbroken, jaded, and angsty after being abandoned by a guy i really liked. it's much more complicated than that but i'd rather not share with the world wide web. at the time i was convinced that it was better to not invest your time and emotions into something or someone that could hurt you, hence, i would "Take it Easy".
"Now I do as I please and lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap but I just feel free...
and a little bit empty
No, it isn't so hard to get close to me
There will be no arguments
We will always agree
And I'll try and be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy
But if you stay too long inside my memory,
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
and I will keep you there so you can't bother me"
"Take it Easy (Love Nothing)" is a song by my favorite band of all time, Bright Eyes. but it's not really my favorite song or even close to it. when i made this blog, i was pretty heartbroken, jaded, and angsty after being abandoned by a guy i really liked. it's much more complicated than that but i'd rather not share with the world wide web. at the time i was convinced that it was better to not invest your time and emotions into something or someone that could hurt you, hence, i would "Take it Easy".
"Now I do as I please and lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap but I just feel free...
and a little bit empty
No, it isn't so hard to get close to me
There will be no arguments
We will always agree
And I'll try and be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy
But if you stay too long inside my memory,
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
and I will keep you there so you can't bother me"
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Day 01
A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
1. i like to think i'm cool and original until i talk to someone who is actually cool and original.
2. i stay up really late and sleep in really late.
3. i love popping my neck and back. it's kind of addicting.
4. i read my horoscope every day.
5. i'm mildly allergic to most fruits and most kinds of bug bites.
6. i'm a natural leader, i'm usually the one handing out orders.
7. i am definitely not afraid to tell it like it is.
8. the only belief i have that is true and constant is that everything will work itself out in the end.
9. i hate middle schoolers with every fiber of my being.
10. i'm like a magnet, people tend to gravitate towards me. that sounds conceited but it's true.
11. i fluctuate between thinking i'm hot shit and feeling absolutely terrible about myself. it's an internal war but i never show it, i try to just appear neutral about myself.
12. i've been (technically) single for a loooong time and i love my freedom and independence... but sometimes i miss cuddles and sweet texts and things of that sort. i'm kind of looking for a... casual relationship? that doesn't make sense... idk, i'm semi-afraid of commitment.
13. i love listening to stories and telling stories.
14. i love being girly half the time but other half i'm a tomboy. i like to shop and get dressed up but i also like video games and doing crazy stuff like running around the woods. :P i think it's a pretty good blend.
15. i love singing but i'm terrible at it. :)
1. i like to think i'm cool and original until i talk to someone who is actually cool and original.
2. i stay up really late and sleep in really late.
3. i love popping my neck and back. it's kind of addicting.
4. i read my horoscope every day.
5. i'm mildly allergic to most fruits and most kinds of bug bites.
6. i'm a natural leader, i'm usually the one handing out orders.
7. i am definitely not afraid to tell it like it is.
8. the only belief i have that is true and constant is that everything will work itself out in the end.
9. i hate middle schoolers with every fiber of my being.
10. i'm like a magnet, people tend to gravitate towards me. that sounds conceited but it's true.
11. i fluctuate between thinking i'm hot shit and feeling absolutely terrible about myself. it's an internal war but i never show it, i try to just appear neutral about myself.
12. i've been (technically) single for a loooong time and i love my freedom and independence... but sometimes i miss cuddles and sweet texts and things of that sort. i'm kind of looking for a... casual relationship? that doesn't make sense... idk, i'm semi-afraid of commitment.
13. i love listening to stories and telling stories.
14. i love being girly half the time but other half i'm a tomboy. i like to shop and get dressed up but i also like video games and doing crazy stuff like running around the woods. :P i think it's a pretty good blend.
15. i love singing but i'm terrible at it. :)
this is what i will be doing for the next month...
and i dare you to do it too.
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr/Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr/Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
well you say that i treat you like a book on shelf
i don't take you out that often cause i know that i've completed you
and that's why you are here.
that's the reason you stay here... how awful that must feel.
you said you'd be my dream, i could have you every night
and if by morning i'd forgotten you, well no big deal, that'd be alright
cause you're the reoccurring kind, you are the reoccurring kind.
you never really leave my mind.
are you the love of my lifetime cause there's been times i've had my doubts
we were just kids when i first kissed you in the attic of my parents house,
and i wish we were there now.
it took so long to figure out what this book has been about.
now i write when i'm away letters that you'll never read
you said go explore those other women, the geography of their bodies
but there's just one map you'll need.
you're a boomerang, you'll see
you will return to me.
you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will you will.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
i am fully convinced that i am nocturnal.
my brain is so AWAKE at odd hours of the night. i didn't sleep until 6AM, the early light was so comforting. i felt simple again.
i dreamed that i was going to prom. my mother was crying. i couldn't remember my date's name and he was running late. i was convinced i was going to be stood up. i was eating cake out of a pan. then he showed up in a sketchy van with a few other questionable teens and i happily got in. i left my dress and phone in the van. at some point during the dream i used a pay phone.
this is what it means:
an end to something and the beginning of something else
illness or affliction
craving shelter, comfort, guidance and protection
fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity
unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances
overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future
time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want
missed and lost opportunities
the load that you are carrying and what you can handle
confront issues which you have tried to avoid
did you know i think of you when i write these blogs? i wonder how you feel when you read them.
i dreamed that i was going to prom. my mother was crying. i couldn't remember my date's name and he was running late. i was convinced i was going to be stood up. i was eating cake out of a pan. then he showed up in a sketchy van with a few other questionable teens and i happily got in. i left my dress and phone in the van. at some point during the dream i used a pay phone.
this is what it means:
an end to something and the beginning of something else
illness or affliction
craving shelter, comfort, guidance and protection
fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity
unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances
overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future
time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want
missed and lost opportunities
the load that you are carrying and what you can handle
confront issues which you have tried to avoid
did you know i think of you when i write these blogs? i wonder how you feel when you read them.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
i miss school.
i'm good at it. i have the perfect balance of procrastination, natural intelligence, and social skills.
all i do now is sleep all day and work at night. i need something productive to fill my time with.
on another note... i'm SOOOOOO close to getting all my shit together.
i can feel it.
i want to be the kind of senior that i looked up to for the past 3 years.
am i cool? mature? original? pretty? funny? i can't tell anymore.
all i do now is sleep all day and work at night. i need something productive to fill my time with.
on another note... i'm SOOOOOO close to getting all my shit together.
i can feel it.
i want to be the kind of senior that i looked up to for the past 3 years.
am i cool? mature? original? pretty? funny? i can't tell anymore.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
i'm back!
my self confidence is back! i'm feeling happy. i am overwhelmed with love for so many people and for myself. i feel comfortable in my own body. i don't need you to make me happy. i'm sarah fucking palmer and I'M BACK!
quite a few changes are coming. i can feel it.
quite a few changes are coming. i can feel it.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
thoughts on the evening
1. i hate my baby face
2. mckinney is absolutely pathetic but i'm going to miss just chilling at parks and things like that
3. can't believe i told that story again, i can't escape it. maybe i don't want to escape it, but it stings a little every time it's retold.
4. can't believe i admitted that i would... never mind.
5. can't believe ^3 that i was the most experienced in that group, i feel kinda like a slut. but mostly successful. is that terrible?
6. the weather was SO nice today
7. my intuition is almost never wrong... and it's telling me something very strange right now. ...am i crazy? i don't think i could explain my feelings of intuition to anyone. but i will smile if i turn out to be right about this.
8. yesterday was spent talking about the future, and today was spent talking about the past. it's hard for me to live in the present.
9. i talk a lot but i rarely SAY anything.
10. i wonder how it feels to not be young.
2. mckinney is absolutely pathetic but i'm going to miss just chilling at parks and things like that
3. can't believe i told that story again, i can't escape it. maybe i don't want to escape it, but it stings a little every time it's retold.
4. can't believe i admitted that i would... never mind.
5. can't believe ^3 that i was the most experienced in that group, i feel kinda like a slut. but mostly successful. is that terrible?
6. the weather was SO nice today
7. my intuition is almost never wrong... and it's telling me something very strange right now. ...am i crazy? i don't think i could explain my feelings of intuition to anyone. but i will smile if i turn out to be right about this.
8. yesterday was spent talking about the future, and today was spent talking about the past. it's hard for me to live in the present.
9. i talk a lot but i rarely SAY anything.
10. i wonder how it feels to not be young.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
damn... how long is it going to take?
^^ applies to way too many aspects of my life.
most of our lives we're just waiting...
is anyone ever completely 100% runningthroughthewoods no regrets HAPPY?
i doubt it.
i've always thought that the ONE person would make me that happy. i'm like joseph gordon levitt in 500 days of summer. although i don't wear it on my sleeve anymore; i had it ripped out of me. but which would i rather be, naive and hopeful or realistic and hurt?
ahh whatever.
the bottom line: i'm damaged goods. a little cynical. but i'm just that much more savvy for the next time around, i guess.
why do i always end up writing about love when i don't plan to?
^^ applies to way too many aspects of my life.
most of our lives we're just waiting...
is anyone ever completely 100% runningthroughthewoods no regrets HAPPY?
i doubt it.
i've always thought that the ONE person would make me that happy. i'm like joseph gordon levitt in 500 days of summer. although i don't wear it on my sleeve anymore; i had it ripped out of me. but which would i rather be, naive and hopeful or realistic and hurt?
ahh whatever.
the bottom line: i'm damaged goods. a little cynical. but i'm just that much more savvy for the next time around, i guess.
why do i always end up writing about love when i don't plan to?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
To Do this summer:
focus all of my energy toward building relationships
become almost entirely nocturnal
work as little as possible
get a lookbook and have photoshoots
unhealthy amounts of that 70's show
freckle
get revenge
move on
find someone who makes me want to move on
nap longer than i slept at night
new snack inventions
buy new clothes. i'm tired of mine.
tons of new inside jokes
get my car and kidnap my friends:)
spend time in dallas
go to shows
make and receive mix cds
feel completely satisfied with myself
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
endings
Brittani's goodbye letter to me:
"You have such a kind, gentle spirit and I love how you have the ability to actually listen to people. You are so genuine with your words and actions. Never ever change who you are or let someone tell you that you are not good enough. You have the power to impact someone else's life every day. It is up to you how you live your life, and choose to live it to it's fullest! Appreciate every single day and dont take the little things for granted. You are such a wonderful person and I have loved getting to spend time with you in theatre! You are so special, don't let anyone tell you different!"
awwwwh. :( :) <3
"You have such a kind, gentle spirit and I love how you have the ability to actually listen to people. You are so genuine with your words and actions. Never ever change who you are or let someone tell you that you are not good enough. You have the power to impact someone else's life every day. It is up to you how you live your life, and choose to live it to it's fullest! Appreciate every single day and dont take the little things for granted. You are such a wonderful person and I have loved getting to spend time with you in theatre! You are so special, don't let anyone tell you different!"
awwwwh. :( :) <3
Monday, May 31, 2010
"What does it feel like when you miss someone?"
it feels like losing your own self assurance and unsuccessfully trying to find it in others. do i really miss people, or do i miss ideas? i miss memories, ghosts of my own feelings. i miss times when i was truly satisfied. quite often i'm overwhelmed with love for certain people... and then what? what do i do with any of my feelings, how can i make them relevant? most of the time i feel like i'm talking but nobody can grasp what i really mean or how intensely i mean it. i want you to feel what i feel.
i just want someone to stand on a dock with me and hold me.
but isnt that what we all want.
it feels like losing your own self assurance and unsuccessfully trying to find it in others. do i really miss people, or do i miss ideas? i miss memories, ghosts of my own feelings. i miss times when i was truly satisfied. quite often i'm overwhelmed with love for certain people... and then what? what do i do with any of my feelings, how can i make them relevant? most of the time i feel like i'm talking but nobody can grasp what i really mean or how intensely i mean it. i want you to feel what i feel.
i just want someone to stand on a dock with me and hold me.
but isnt that what we all want.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
i don't plan these things.
my sister just graduated 5th grade. looking back on my childhood... i don't remember much of it. i just remember wishing it would be over already. i've always mentally been 20+ years old and i've realized that the older i get, the happier i am as my parents loosen their grip on me. i only have one year of high school left and i can't decide whether i should be happy or sad about it... i've had a truly great junior year. i love so many people and we shared so many memorable times. senior year is upon us... wow. i need to get my shit together this summer for sure. i don't want to have these problems during my senior year. although i probably will anyway.
i need to make my summer to do list. coming soon. :)
ps: tomorrow is the theatre banquet. it's going to be really sad... but on the bright side, I'm planning on looking unforgivably fucking stunning and I hope you see the pictures and regret everything. I want the regret to burn through your entire body. this is war.
i need to make my summer to do list. coming soon. :)
ps: tomorrow is the theatre banquet. it's going to be really sad... but on the bright side, I'm planning on looking unforgivably fucking stunning and I hope you see the pictures and regret everything. I want the regret to burn through your entire body. this is war.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
on the last day of fifth grade, I cried my eyes out because I thought nobody would want to hang out with me over the summer.
i have so much love for so many people, i can only hope that they feel the same way.
i dont really like myself anymore. my goal for this summer is to gain my confidence back. I miss the old me.
i have so much love for so many people, i can only hope that they feel the same way.
i dont really like myself anymore. my goal for this summer is to gain my confidence back. I miss the old me.
Monday, May 24, 2010
goooood.
my room is an absolute mess. kinda like the inside of my head. a bit of cleaning is in order for both, mmm?
i felt good today for the first time in a week or so. it's days like this when i don't miss you at all.
i couldn't be more ready for the summer nights...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
When Your Mind's Made Up
a few months ago in SDS, we each took a few rocks to represent burdens in our lives. the point was to tangibly carry the awkwardness of the weight; to get rid of the rock and the burden. i still carry these three rocks with me. i transfer them from bag to bag, from pocket to pocket, sometimes i leave them places that i know will make me angry. it's so easy to tell myself i will resolve the issues or they will resolve themselves in time... and it never happens. i set deadlines in my head and watch them as they pass. the truth is, my life is the same exact thing every day. sleep eat school workworkwork facebook sleep. put on my happy face. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. i am afraid my life is always going to be the same...
i've never told anyone this before, but my rocks represent...
1.money. i don't just get handed money, i have to work. my job is hell. most of the time i think it's not worth it. it's absolutely soul deadening. i need to be spending my time with people that i love, not putting up with kroger's bullshit and the constant parade of idiots that come to the grocery store... but i guess this is life, hmm? work. put up with shit. spend money. start all over.
2.the belief that i'm not good enough. i'm not pretty enough, not cool enough, not worth anyone's attention for more than an hour or so. i don't dress cute enough, i'm not tall enough, i don't have anything to offer anyone except the occasional witty comment or a decent mix cd. i used to have this unfaltering self confidence, what happened to it..? i know exactly what happened, which leads me to my next one..
3.a certain guy. i fell hard and had the rug swept up from under me. i cried on the phone to a friend late at night. i spent a lot of time waiting, planning, wishing and being angry. i didn't start this but i was the one standing alone at the end.
i'm pretty fucked up but i'm excellent at pretending i'm not.
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