"What does it feel like when you miss someone?"
it feels like losing your own self assurance and unsuccessfully trying to find it in others. do i really miss people, or do i miss ideas? i miss memories, ghosts of my own feelings. i miss times when i was truly satisfied. quite often i'm overwhelmed with love for certain people... and then what? what do i do with any of my feelings, how can i make them relevant? most of the time i feel like i'm talking but nobody can grasp what i really mean or how intensely i mean it. i want you to feel what i feel.

i just want someone to stand on a dock with me and hold me.

but isnt that what we all want.

i'm dying to know

things are not always how they seem.
will we be ready?

i don't plan these things.

my sister just graduated 5th grade. looking back on my childhood... i don't remember much of it. i just remember wishing it would be over already. i've always mentally been 20+ years old and i've realized that the older i get, the happier i am as my parents loosen their grip on me. i only have one year of high school left and i can't decide whether i should be happy or sad about it... i've had a truly great junior year. i love so many people and we shared so many memorable times. senior year is upon us... wow. i need to get my shit together this summer for sure. i don't want to have these problems during my senior year. although i probably will anyway.
i need to make my summer to do list. coming soon. :)

ps: tomorrow is the theatre banquet. it's going to be really sad... but on the bright side, I'm planning on looking unforgivably fucking stunning and I hope you see the pictures and regret everything. I want the regret to burn through your entire body. this is war.

on the last day of fifth grade, I cried my eyes out because I thought nobody would want to hang out with me over the summer.
i have so much love for so many people, i can only hope that they feel the same way.

i dont really like myself anymore. my goal for this summer is to gain my confidence back. I miss the old me.

goooood.

my room is an absolute mess. kinda like the inside of my head. a bit of cleaning is in order for both, mmm?

i felt good today for the first time in a week or so. it's days like this when i don't miss you at all.

i couldn't be more ready for the summer nights...

When Your Mind's Made Up

a few months ago in SDS, we each took a few rocks to represent burdens in our lives. the point was to tangibly carry the awkwardness of the weight; to get rid of the rock and the burden. i still carry these three rocks with me. i transfer them from bag to bag, from pocket to pocket, sometimes i leave them places that i know will make me angry. it's so easy to tell myself i will resolve the issues or they will resolve themselves in time... and it never happens. i set deadlines in my head and watch them as they pass. the truth is, my life is the same exact thing every day. sleep eat school workworkwork facebook sleep. put on my happy face. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. i am afraid my life is always going to be the same...

i've never told anyone this before, but my rocks represent...

1.money. i don't just get handed money, i have to work. my job is hell. most of the time i think it's not worth it. it's absolutely soul deadening. i need to be spending my time with people that i love, not putting up with kroger's bullshit and the constant parade of idiots that come to the grocery store... but i guess this is life, hmm? work. put up with shit. spend money. start all over.

2.the belief that i'm not good enough. i'm not pretty enough, not cool enough, not worth anyone's attention for more than an hour or so. i don't dress cute enough, i'm not tall enough, i don't have anything to offer anyone except the occasional witty comment or a decent mix cd. i used to have this unfaltering self confidence, what happened to it..? i know exactly what happened, which leads me to my next one..

3.a certain guy. i fell hard and had the rug swept up from under me. i cried on the phone to a friend late at night. i spent a lot of time waiting, planning, wishing and being angry. i didn't start this but i was the one standing alone at the end.

i'm pretty fucked up but i'm excellent at pretending i'm not.