When Your Mind's Made Up

a few months ago in SDS, we each took a few rocks to represent burdens in our lives. the point was to tangibly carry the awkwardness of the weight; to get rid of the rock and the burden. i still carry these three rocks with me. i transfer them from bag to bag, from pocket to pocket, sometimes i leave them places that i know will make me angry. it's so easy to tell myself i will resolve the issues or they will resolve themselves in time... and it never happens. i set deadlines in my head and watch them as they pass. the truth is, my life is the same exact thing every day. sleep eat school workworkwork facebook sleep. put on my happy face. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. i am afraid my life is always going to be the same...

i've never told anyone this before, but my rocks represent...

1.money. i don't just get handed money, i have to work. my job is hell. most of the time i think it's not worth it. it's absolutely soul deadening. i need to be spending my time with people that i love, not putting up with kroger's bullshit and the constant parade of idiots that come to the grocery store... but i guess this is life, hmm? work. put up with shit. spend money. start all over.

2.the belief that i'm not good enough. i'm not pretty enough, not cool enough, not worth anyone's attention for more than an hour or so. i don't dress cute enough, i'm not tall enough, i don't have anything to offer anyone except the occasional witty comment or a decent mix cd. i used to have this unfaltering self confidence, what happened to it..? i know exactly what happened, which leads me to my next one..

3.a certain guy. i fell hard and had the rug swept up from under me. i cried on the phone to a friend late at night. i spent a lot of time waiting, planning, wishing and being angry. i didn't start this but i was the one standing alone at the end.

i'm pretty fucked up but i'm excellent at pretending i'm not.